Insomniac Thoughts...

It's a mystery all the things we think we know.
So many un-answered questions, so many things still left to learn.
Will we ever make it out of here alive?
Or will we follow the world and just simply die?
You know the words inside my head, but do you really know me?
The person on the inside is different than the outside imposter.
Keep yourself guessing what is next.
Hold your breath and be ready to swim.
I'm tied and bound to this mind set of impossible dreams.
I never thought about what is left for me.
But I have thought about what is already gone.
So much is lost,
so little is gained.
Lessons are never learned, only shown briefly just to float away,
into the night,
into the storm, to someday return to you.
I've questioned God over and over again.
Not an answer,
maybe I'm not listening hard enough.
Or maybe...
I'm just not looking for the answers in the right places.
I've trapped myself it seems.
Like a mouse hungry enough to tempt death.
A slow climb out of this narrow six foot deep body shaped trench.
Clawing through the mud and rocks.
Just to make it to the top and be kicked right back down.
Where did everything go wrong?
Lost so many days,
lost so many nights where I could have slept.
Instead...here I remain,
awake and aware,
drained and beaten.
Too afraid to even move forward, just frozen in the moment where things seem a little bit okay.
This feeling is new and old at the same time.
Exciting to see what's coming next,
but so scared to even look.
I just hope I don't blink when it comes flying by....

New Pics

Haven't blogged in a while so I thought I'd add some new pics I've taken that are going in my portfolio. Not much to update, life is still the same, still looking for a job..blah blah blah. The only exciting thing worth mentioning right now is I finally have my first paid family photo-shoot coming up soon. Yeaaa, I'm excited and soo nervous about that. Something else pretty exciting is that I've lost almost 30 pounds, which is pretty amazing for me..lol so life is getting to be pretty sweet. Now I just gotta get my butt back in church.
So yep, now you're all back in the loop, not like anyone really cared anyways..lol.
Comments? :)

Until we're willing to let him break us once again.

Soo amazingly true.
A must WATCH!
p.s. you probably wanna scroll to the bottom of the page and turn off the music, I'm pretty sure country music will not mix with this video.

A Blog About....NOTHING.

So pretty much, this post is gonna be about nothing and everything.
Make sense? My window broke today, don't ask because I'm not gonna tell..lol.
I'm trying to thaw out and it's no use. So I decided to get on my blog and start writing. About what? Beats me. Guess I'll figure it out along the way.
Ohh ya, I'm also aware that I'm wearing jeans in the pic to the side.
Now, before anyone starts shoving the bible down my throat, let me just say, I don't wear my jeans in public. I wear them more as pajama pants because they keep me warm.
I actually still do have my conviction with wearing pants in public so it's all good.
:)

You know what's amazingly awesome? I stopped looking for a special someone, my other half, a guy..whatever you want to call it and now, I've got about 4 guys interested.
Ya..WOW. Sooo shocking I had to step back a minute and pinch myself.
The only thing that sucks is that none of them are in church.
Is that a big deal? Yes.
I'm trying to get back in so I don't need to date anyone who will just drag me out.
But I figure, maybe I can invite them to church..preferably not all at the same time tho, that could be somewhat of a disaster..or make me look like a "pimpette"...hahahah..ya sure, when pigs fly!

Now the bad part.
The harder I try to get back into church, the more the devil throws in my way.
It's heartbreaking this last thing he threw in my way.
and hey, maybe it wasn't the devil.
Like people say, he gets WAYY too much credit as it is.
Pretty much, I lost my best friend. No, not in the death kindov way (it sure feels like it tho) but more of a falling out.
It's a loong story which I'm sure none of you are interested in hearing..but blah.
I feel like I lost my other half..well, she kindov is my other half, she is my twin and all.
I dunno..I guess things like that happen.
Life.....it goes on.
What are you gonna do?

You know what I really miss?
Believe it or not, but I used to write little messages, sermons, things to preach, I dunno what to call it and it was almost every night I would write something inspiring and now i don't do that anymore.
I know why I don't do it anymore, I don't get any inspirations because I'm not in church anymore (I am now, but wasn't then.)
It was always amazing because I always thought preachers did stuff like that.
I mean, who am I that God would give me a message soo strong that it would make me actually want to get up there and preach it to the youth?
Someone who used to be sooo shy that when a stranger would look at me, I would start crying.
It's just crazy.


Quick question:
What does the bible say about Weed?
I would ask my pastor but how do you bring up a subject like weed to a pastor?
Is God against it?
or is it not that big of a deal because people don't consider it a drug since it's known more as an herb.
I hear people always saying that Man made alchohol but God made herb..so who are you gonna trust?
But really, what DOES God say about it?
what do YOU think about it?

No, I'm not admitting to anything or trying to justify it, so don't read anything into that question.
I can't give a reason as to why I would ask such an "out there" question because then I would be ratting out too many people..
oops..that may be ratting out people even if no one knows who I'm talking about..
are you still following or did I lose you back on the broken window?

But seriously, I really am curious to hear your answers so don't be shy, that's my job!

I guess that's it for now.
When I think of something far more interesting, I'll write it then.
Until then, I leave you with this,
cute little dancing "Grease" people with a strange woman's face that I find very amusing..but then again, it could be because it's 3 am and I get weirder the later it gets.

Currently:

Ready to kill someone.
bahahahahh! that's not creepy at all!
Okay..I'm not actually going to kill someone, oh man I can't even think about that without getting creeped out so now worries.
but seriously, when someone is really doing their best to ruin your reputation (and it's working), what do you do?
I don't really expect anyone to comment this, but really needing to get this out.
I'm gonna be honest and say the last 7 months have been complete hell!
Pretty much, if you've heard anything, then this is what I'll say to you:

I SAID NO. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!
AND EVEN THO I SURVIVED IT DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS EVER OKAY!

But what sucks, people who hear about it don't know the actual story so my name is getting dragged thru mud like crazy because of this jerk.
Should I talk to this guy who is currently ruining me or just ignore it and let God take care of it?

Note To Self:
Revenge may seem sweet, but it's NOT the answer.
Guess I'll have to repeat that to myself every day.
lol
Feedback, Yo?