I tried to erase you.

I remember the first week after that disaster you put me through called Love.
I cried every single day.
Months went by, full of tears and wonderment, until one week when I went through every last thing with a fine tooth comb, and erased you.

pictures.
comments.
contact info.
everything.

I deleted you from my life. Every last reminder of you.
but you were still there...

And for a while, I couldn't go a single day without thinking of you.
Without running through what happened over and over in my mind.

I only think about you every few days or so. I'd say that's about the average.
I only cry over you at least once a week.

I found more evidence of you here and there, nothing real, just little reminders.
then I saw you. face to face.

and.
you.
said.
nothing....

and I said nothing. I just stopped dead in my tracks and stood there with my mouth hanging open like a jerk.
Then, just as quickly as you were there, you were gone.

and I cant help but wonder...

Why?
Why did you do this to me?
Why can't you be a man and just take responsibility for your actions.

I guess I'll just erase you for good, and never look back.

Until we're willing to let him break us once again.

Soo amazingly true.
A must WATCH!
p.s. you probably wanna scroll to the bottom of the page and turn off the music, I'm pretty sure country music will not mix with this video.

A Blog About....NOTHING.

So pretty much, this post is gonna be about nothing and everything.
Make sense? My window broke today, don't ask because I'm not gonna tell..lol.
I'm trying to thaw out and it's no use. So I decided to get on my blog and start writing. About what? Beats me. Guess I'll figure it out along the way.
Ohh ya, I'm also aware that I'm wearing jeans in the pic to the side.
Now, before anyone starts shoving the bible down my throat, let me just say, I don't wear my jeans in public. I wear them more as pajama pants because they keep me warm.
I actually still do have my conviction with wearing pants in public so it's all good.
:)

You know what's amazingly awesome? I stopped looking for a special someone, my other half, a guy..whatever you want to call it and now, I've got about 4 guys interested.
Ya..WOW. Sooo shocking I had to step back a minute and pinch myself.
The only thing that sucks is that none of them are in church.
Is that a big deal? Yes.
I'm trying to get back in so I don't need to date anyone who will just drag me out.
But I figure, maybe I can invite them to church..preferably not all at the same time tho, that could be somewhat of a disaster..or make me look like a "pimpette"...hahahah..ya sure, when pigs fly!

Now the bad part.
The harder I try to get back into church, the more the devil throws in my way.
It's heartbreaking this last thing he threw in my way.
and hey, maybe it wasn't the devil.
Like people say, he gets WAYY too much credit as it is.
Pretty much, I lost my best friend. No, not in the death kindov way (it sure feels like it tho) but more of a falling out.
It's a loong story which I'm sure none of you are interested in hearing..but blah.
I feel like I lost my other half..well, she kindov is my other half, she is my twin and all.
I dunno..I guess things like that happen.
Life.....it goes on.
What are you gonna do?

You know what I really miss?
Believe it or not, but I used to write little messages, sermons, things to preach, I dunno what to call it and it was almost every night I would write something inspiring and now i don't do that anymore.
I know why I don't do it anymore, I don't get any inspirations because I'm not in church anymore (I am now, but wasn't then.)
It was always amazing because I always thought preachers did stuff like that.
I mean, who am I that God would give me a message soo strong that it would make me actually want to get up there and preach it to the youth?
Someone who used to be sooo shy that when a stranger would look at me, I would start crying.
It's just crazy.


Quick question:
What does the bible say about Weed?
I would ask my pastor but how do you bring up a subject like weed to a pastor?
Is God against it?
or is it not that big of a deal because people don't consider it a drug since it's known more as an herb.
I hear people always saying that Man made alchohol but God made herb..so who are you gonna trust?
But really, what DOES God say about it?
what do YOU think about it?

No, I'm not admitting to anything or trying to justify it, so don't read anything into that question.
I can't give a reason as to why I would ask such an "out there" question because then I would be ratting out too many people..
oops..that may be ratting out people even if no one knows who I'm talking about..
are you still following or did I lose you back on the broken window?

But seriously, I really am curious to hear your answers so don't be shy, that's my job!

I guess that's it for now.
When I think of something far more interesting, I'll write it then.
Until then, I leave you with this,
cute little dancing "Grease" people with a strange woman's face that I find very amusing..but then again, it could be because it's 3 am and I get weirder the later it gets.

Currently:

Ready to kill someone.
bahahahahh! that's not creepy at all!
Okay..I'm not actually going to kill someone, oh man I can't even think about that without getting creeped out so now worries.
but seriously, when someone is really doing their best to ruin your reputation (and it's working), what do you do?
I don't really expect anyone to comment this, but really needing to get this out.
I'm gonna be honest and say the last 7 months have been complete hell!
Pretty much, if you've heard anything, then this is what I'll say to you:

I SAID NO. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!
AND EVEN THO I SURVIVED IT DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS EVER OKAY!

But what sucks, people who hear about it don't know the actual story so my name is getting dragged thru mud like crazy because of this jerk.
Should I talk to this guy who is currently ruining me or just ignore it and let God take care of it?

Note To Self:
Revenge may seem sweet, but it's NOT the answer.
Guess I'll have to repeat that to myself every day.
lol
Feedback, Yo?

Wowza!

So, I totally forgot I had a blog until I talked to someone tonight that mentioned it.
hah! how sad.

Sooo..updates! Ready? Here we go!
I'm 19, going on 20 in 2 months (wow I'm getting old!)
still single..shocking! (not really..lol)
currently looking for work in a town where no one is hiring..laame right?
I currently attend Hope Center of Redding (sortov..(dont ask)) but once I get a job, I'm transfering to chico to go to Butte College and probably start going to church there.
I have NOO idea what I want to do yet and that drives me insane.
I left church about a year ago, but recently just started coming back.
I'm realizing now that that had to be the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.
But I learned the BIGGEST lesson that I could ever learn from just that one tiny year and am soo thankful God never left my side while I was being stupid the whole time.
It's been once insane, disgusting year and now it's almost over and time to say hello to 2010 (which I can't wait for!)
hm..what else?
basically, life is changing for me and i can't wait to see the outcome of it.
I'm not even the least bit worried because I know that God is there and he'll direct my every move.
I'm bringing in, and taking out certain people and things in my life.
and learning not to sweat the small stuff.
Pretty much, I'm just an ordinary girl on the verge of being spectacular.
If you've made it this far, then wow, you must be pretty bored.
so here are some pics from over the year to entertain you.
p.s. comments make me smile *hint hint* :)









the sundial bridge turned pink for breast cancer awareness month.
soo amazingg! ♥



okayy, I'll post more pics soon..the pic uploader thing just freaked out on me and stopped working..blah how laame.